A funny thing about nausea...

Is there a funny thing about nausea? Most likely, not.

I wanted to give a glimpse of the hardest emotional part I have experienced post surgery. It has to do with my reaction to seeing blood, wound care, and general 'accessories' (like the drain tube and bulb). I mentioned my uneasiness of these things in a previous post.  After I had been home for a few days and been cared for by Jeff, I wanted to take the lead on changing the bandages and cleaning the area. My motivation was a little bit about being able to take care of myself, and a little bit about taking a few things off of Jeff's plate so he could opt for the activities he wanted to do. Secondary to that, I wanted Jeff to know I could take care of myself so he could feel comfortable taking the kids to do the things they wanted to do, and not feel pressure or anxiety in planning for someone to be here and making sure I have the care I need.

It was three days post surgery when I could handle the bulb part of the drain. Four days post surgery when I could 'milk' the tube to ensure there were no blockages that could impede the movement of fluid. And I think it was about 5 days in when I attempted to take off the tape and bandages. I got most of the tape off, but as I tried to remove the gauze pads from around the tube, I saw just the tiniest glimpse of where the tube entered my body and was hit extremely hard by nausea and the feeling of almost passing out. I had approached this attempt with the conviction of me being able to do it. I approached it with the thought that so many have to do this for themselves without help, therefore I can do it myself. And I had drawn my courage up from within me and believed that I could do this task. All of that pep talk and preparation left me in a mere two seconds. I found myself crumbling to the floor in our bathroom and being hit with waves of tears. And the waves kept coming. I knew in those two seconds that I wouldn't be able to care for a wound of this nature no matter what the circumstances were. And with this acknowledgement, a sense of weakness engulfed me. I felt powerless and vulnerable, which added intensity to the waves of emotion. I was completely unprepared for the intensity in which I was hit. And I wept. Jeff was here to care for me. His gentleness helped me relax enough to allow him to complete the cleaning process and I was able to get myself dressed. It took me a few long hours to fully feel those emotions and let them leave me through my tears. I have a clearer view of when I need to have help.

Even though I know I have strengths and weaknesses, it is hard to face my limits. And I guess it is mostly the vestiges of my type A personality that feel the need to control things - even though I know control is more an illusion for me than a reality. I have dealt with chronic pain for so long and I still forget how to be graceful through times of vulnerability. I still have times when asking for help may be necessary, and yet seems incredibly challenging to ask for.

What I have come to realize is that this issue is the first that I know I can not do even if I have no other choice. I can 'suck it up' or simply re-frame thoughts in the hope either can allow me to meet my own needs. I still find myself realizing I can overcome, if not resolve, most every challenging situation that comes my way. I do know I have a powerful strength within me. I do know I'm stubborn, determined, and can persevere through so very much. Feeling vulnerable isn't the part of me I like to acknowledge. It makes me feel weak. Weakness, for me, brings fear. I need not push those emotional dominoes over - and I will somehow remember how the cascade of emotions feels.

Acknowledging that I am not super woman in every area of life is probably a better way to live. I do try and back away from expecting perfection within myself, for myself.

I now know my hard limits on self care. I know now when to make sure I have help. I realize that accepting these two sentances will help me move forward. Sometimes it is good to give yourself a break.